10. Coming up with a subject that people on the Internet care about in the right here and the right now is super-easy. Just look at whatever’s trending on Twitter.
We’ll ignore promoted results unless the promoters are paying us, too, of course. And they are not. (Fuck you Frito-Lay! There! I said it!)
So, anyway, looking at this list, here are some potentially huge blog posts:
- Top Vagina Reasons Why Vagina Vagina Vagina
- Top Ten Reasons Why People Do Stupid Things
- Top Ten Who the Fuck is Tim Wakefield?
- Top Ten Celebrities with the Initials “MJ” (Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan, then … um… wait, this one needs too much research.)
— and so on! I think I’d pick # 2 if I were really doing this. Which one would you pick?
9. Writing ten random things to say — facts, opinions, whatever — on any given trending subject is easy, too, especially since you can just click the links in the trending list on Twitter, see what the actual people who actually care about this shit, whatever the shit happens to be, have been saying about it, and then expand/expound upon/paraphrase/fluff the more interesting ones (with a low barrier-to-entry for “interesting,” it should go without saying).
8. Arranging these nuggets of fact/opinion/whatever into a descending list provides a strong narrative structure with built-in suspense (“what will be number one? OMG I’m dying to know!”) We were all trained to care about backwards countdowns by the moon launches, and/or Casey Kasem and/or Rick Dees and/or Ryan Seacrest, depending on whether you’re Generation W, X, Y, or Z or somewhere in between.
7. Since there is generally no actual way to quantify a given fact/opinion/whatever’s position on any of these lists, (the number two reason on the “Top 10 Reasons He-Man Needs a Better Haircut,” for example, is probably not definably one iota less “top” than the number one reason, in any kind of objective way, if you think about it, really, and I have) the order will almost always be meaningless! So that makes it even easier!
6. It’s less work than the traditional five-paragraph essay. I hated writing those in Freshman Composition. Do they still make kids write those? They should make kids write “Top 10” lists instead. Much better vocational training for the future blogger.
5. Um. That’s all I’ve got!
4. But the structure still works! See what I mean!
3. These are not beans!
2. I didn’t think you would read this far down! Hello there!
1. I should sell this post as a Kindle Single, shouldn’t I? I could plump it up with more Top 10 lists, like “Top 10 Reasons Why I Like My New Shoes Pretty Well, As Compared to My Old Pair” and “Top 10 Reasons Why You Don’t Really Want a Large Penis, Trust Me, I Know from Personal Experience, It Is a Living Hell.”